Ever felt totally lost? Not knowing who you are and who you have become. When someone random, asks you the question “who are you” and it made you break down in tears because you can’t find the answer.
When you have lived your whole life in a closed community. Where you got isolated from people around you. From neighbors and friends. It molds and forms you. It gives you this identity and feeling of who you are and where you belong to. You follow the rules and live by them. It is your life, your truth and your way. But then suddenly one day, when you find out you have been living in a lie and you can’t live on with it, that foundation, your identity falls away.
All these emotions running through the mind and body. Panic, fear, and in one way wishing I could turn the clock back to the point I was just living my life in the ignorance and not aware of all the lies, because I knew from the moment I would tell my friends, my family and they would tell all the other people in the cult, that I am not believing it anymore; my life and relationships would totally change. And then the fear for my own family. My kids but mostly my husband. How would they react.
I easily could have put my head in the sand, pretending it didn’t happen.
People tell me I am strong. And that I have courage. But in that moment it was just one messed up nightmare. I easily could have put my head in the sand, pretending it didn’t happen. But I have always been a person that just wanted the truth and living the truth and once upon a time I really believed in what we called “The message of the hour”, with my whole heart and lived by it my whole life. But living in a lie wasn’t an option. I had to get out. I had to get my family out. And even though my husband didn’t want to hear about it at first, I had faith that he would see the madness behind it too.
We got out as a family and we stayed united and found peace and happiness together.
Luckily it worked all out for me. We got out as a family and we stayed united and found peace and happiness together. Little by little I found myself. I changed from this unhappy and depressed person to being a happy person with gleam in the eyes. When I looked into the mirror while being in “The Message” I would tell myself over and over again that I hated myself and after some time I didn’t even want to look anymore. Now I just see this happy woman in the mirror and sometimes I still wonder who she is but at least I love what I see. Exploring what life is all about and doing a lot of things I wasn’t allowed to do before and actually enjoying living my life.
Not many really understand the impact a religion has on one’s life. It molds you like you mold a limb of clay. Even though it has been almost 6 years since we left the cult, we still face struggles everyday. Struggles “normal” people don’t really understand. I am not sure I will ever feel “normal”. But one thing I know for sure: I am free.
I hope that with writing my part of this blog, I can bring some awareness on struggles me and others,that are in the same situation as me, face.