Lost and found: I lost my identity and didn’t know who I was anymore

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Ever felt totally lost? Not knowing who you are and who you have become. When someone random, asks you the question “who are you” and it made you break down in tears because you can’t find the answer.

When you have lived your whole life in a closed community. Where you got isolated from people around you. From neighbors and friends. It molds and forms you. It gives you this identity and feeling of who you are and where you belong to. You follow the rules and live by them. It is your life, your truth and your way. But then suddenly one day, when you find out you have been living in a lie and you can’t live on with it, that foundation, your identity falls away.

All these emotions running through the mind and body. Panic, fear, and in one way wishing I could turn the clock back to the point I was just living my life in the ignorance and not aware of all the lies, because I knew from the moment I would tell my friends, my family and they would tell all the other people in the cult, that I am not believing it anymore; my life and relationships would totally change. And then the fear for my own family. My kids but mostly my husband. How would they react.

I easily could have put my head in the sand, pretending it didn’t happen.

People tell me I am strong. And that I have courage. But in that moment it was just one messed up nightmare. I easily could have put my head in the sand, pretending it didn’t happen. But I have always been a person that just wanted the truth and living the truth and once upon a time I really believed in what we called “The message of the hour”, with my whole heart and lived by it my whole life. But living in a lie wasn’t an option. I had to get out. I had to get my family out. And even though my husband didn’t want to hear about it at first, I had faith that he would see the madness behind it too.

We got out as a family and we stayed united and found peace and happiness together.

Luckily it worked all out for me. We got out as a family and we stayed united and found peace and happiness together. Little by little I found myself. I changed from this unhappy and depressed person to being a happy person with gleam in the eyes. When I looked into the mirror while being in “The Message” I would tell myself over and over again that I hated myself and after some time I didn’t even want to look anymore. Now I just see this happy woman in the mirror and sometimes I still wonder who she is but at least I love what I see. Exploring what life is all about and doing a lot of things I wasn’t allowed to do before and actually enjoying living my life.

 

Not many really understand the impact a religion has on one’s life. It molds you like you mold a limb of clay. Even though it has been almost 6 years since we left the cult, we still face struggles everyday. Struggles “normal” people don’t really understand. I am not sure I will ever feel “normal”. But one thing I know for sure: I am free.

I hope that with writing my part of this blog, I can bring some awareness on struggles me and others,that are in the same situation as me, face.

 

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Why do I blog? -Sincerely Miss JChelle DizonGeraline BatarraDaniela Recent comment authors
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Veronica
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Veronica

Du e sterk! ❤️ Sterk lesing.

James Manuel
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James Manuel

Your story gives me goosebumps. Thank you for sharing Sharon.

Lis Hope
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Lis Hope

Take it one day at a time! The cult has a lifetime affect so there will always be bits and pieces there. I wanted to rewind time, I wanted my childhood back, I wanted to be normal. The good part is….. everyday is something new. Catching up on all those movies and shows we missed (The Golden Girls is a personal favorite, can’t believe I missed all that), learning makeup, doing your best to feel comfortable in new clothes. It has its ups and downs. The struggle is real but talking about it helps. I don’t think the anger ever… Read more »

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[…] is a great tool to keep you in control and my parents did use it daily. You can read here how scared I was to cut my hair. If you don’t behave, God doesn’t love you and you […]

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[…] One of the hardest part of leaving the cult was, that I felt I lost my music. I lost my platform to sing and preform and I didn’t know what to play anymore. I didn’t know any other songs than the ones we sang in church. Every time I would sit down and would play on the piano, I found myself playing church music and that brought up all these emotions inside me that I didn’t want to feel. I had lost my identity and myself (read more about that here). […]

francien de kruijf
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francien de kruijf

je bent een mooi en dapper mens, je schrijft geweldig en heel duidelijk.

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[…] controlled by a person makes you losing your self piece by piece (read here  in my post ‘Lost and found‘, how I found myself after leaving the cult). When you […]

Daniela
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Stoked ya found freedom and happiness and thanks so much for sharing!

Geraline Batarra
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Geraline Batarra

Yes i also felt that feeling sometimes. I just listen to good music and motivational videos whenever. Love the article.

Chelle Dizon
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I cam totally relate with what you said. Take it one day at a time. You are a lovely person in and out.

Sincerely Miss J
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Such a beautiful story and very inspirational. Thank you for sharing.

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[…] I grew up in. You can read more about how I lost and found myself in the first blog post I wrote: “Lost and Found”. It was devastating, scary and very […]