From the reactions, I got from people, I notice that some of the readers do not really understand why I started blogging and why now. This month it is 6 years ago I made the hardest choice of my life and left the cult and the faith I grew up in. You can read more about how I lost and found myself in the first blog post I wrote: “Lost and Found”. It was devastating, scary and very difficult.
Leaving something like that makes you go through some phases. The first year I just used on research and fighting against the Message. More and more lies came to the surface and I was active on Facebook pages that were exposing the Message. I tried to tell everyone that they were living in this lie and had to come out. That didn’t end so well. The friends I didn’t lose after leaving the cult… I lost then, got in a lot of fights. But staying quiet about it wasn’t an option. So the first year was really frustrating.
Frustration turned into anger
Then this frustration turned into anger. So, the next year I was angry. Angry on my parents for what they put me through. Angry on the fellow believers and so-called friends that condemned me, tried to control my life, didn’t accept me for who I was and so on. I had nightmares, where I walk screaming into the church and giving them my peace of mind when they just tried to tell me, I was a woman and had to shut up. I would wake up and have this feeling inside my chest that I had been screaming for hours and was just feeling so hopeless and helpless. There was just so much anger and frustration build up inside me and it needed to come out somehow.
The third year the anger finally stopped and now I got depressed because I felt suddenly really old. I felt my whole life I wasted in rules and restrictions and felt I missed out on so many things and there was no time to catch up. I don’t have a higher education than secondary school because of it. Wasn’t allowed to be a normal teen and having boyfriends outside of the church. I never learned how to apply make-up because we were not allowed to use it. Not cutting my hair (read about my first haircut in my blog post “No lightning nor Thunder”). Had to wear long skirts or dresses and clothes 2 sizes too big because I wasn’t allowed to show my body and the list goes on and on.
But then I finally pulled myself together and told myself it is time to stop feeling sorry for myself. I told myself over and over again that I am not old and that when the time comes that I will be really old… I will look back to myself at this age and telling myself how crazy I was, feeling that old. From then my life started to be this big adventure, ready to get explored. Carefully and one little step at the time I am spreading my wings and flying. I am not angry anymore. Not frustrated anymore. Now it is just a part of my story. My book of experiences.
So why don’t I blog?
1. I don’t blog because I am angry. Some people might think that I am doing this because I am angry at the people who did this to me. But I got through that phase a long time ago.
2. I don’t blog to expose the Message or discuss their doctrines. I might pull out some examples to explain how it made me feel. But this blog is about me not about them.
3. I don’t blog for those that are still in the Message with this heartfelt need to draw you out. Even though I would love for you to come out and find freedom as I did, I know it doesn’t work that way. First, you have to be ready to search for the truth and then to accept that truth no matter what. And I know how scary that is. The first reaction is to explain it all away or to turn a blind eye. There are enough webpages out there where you can do research and think for yourself. Like Believe the Sign and Seek the Truth. And no I don’t agree on everything you will find there.
Why do I blog?
1. I do blog because I want to bring awareness. This is the main reason why I blog. In Norway and Europe in general, there is a lot of focus on Islam and about the spiritual abuse and cult like life, people live inside of this religion. Like every religion, you have branches in Islam too. From where people are free and making their own choices to fanaticism. But when I talk with people about what I experienced in a Christian cult they get amazed. They don’t know that this is actually happening in our “modern” world too. And out of the comments, emails, and personal messages, I get people to be more aware that we have the same issues in Christianity as in every other religion.
2. Blogging hasn’t really been on my mind at all before. My friend Muhammad told me I was good at telling my story and should share it with others. We would talk for hours and hours about the different aspects of our lives. The different cultures we lived in. The struggles we faced when we grew up. We found a lot of similarities that amazed me. Some have said I should write a book but it sounds so complicated. A blog was more applicable and Muhammad and I came to the conclusion we could start a blog together. Sultan found out later and wanted to join us. Blogging is actually a lot more work than you think. So being with three different people made it easier to share the workload and find the time to write and spreading our blog on social media.