Happiness is when I can do the things I wasn’t allowed to do before. I grew up with so many restrictions that I feel in one way my childhood got stolen from me. But doing them now it gives me this overwhelming feeling of happiness. Feeling I am free and finally can do as I want to without the fear.
Happiness is: Driving on a road trip with Johan and Nathalie with the music very loud and sing with the music together.
Music was before always my biggest struggle. I love to sing, play music and so on. As long I was at home it wasn’t that big of an issue. I didn’t get exposed to the “worldly” music at home. But at work, it was worse. We got taught that if you weren’t filled with the holy ghost Rock and Roll was going to get you. So the struggle not to move on the music at work, not to sing with the music and try not to like it was huge. It made me really depressed.
Coming out of the cult I felt I lost my music. You can read all about it in my blog post “I lost my music“. I feel I missed out a lot of opportunities because we weren’t really allowed to use our talent for anything else than God/church. But listening to the radio, or Spotify really helps.
Nathalie and I took the plain to Oslo last Friday and drove together with Johan back home again. We turned the volume from the music up and sang and moved together with the songs. It may be the normal thing to do but to me, it was so special. It gave me this amazing, overwhelming feeling of happiness that almost made me jump up and down in the car seat. At that moment I just felt so free.
Happiness is: Seeing my daughter living my dream
What also helps is having this amazing daughter with this big talent and in one way see her living my dream. She plays the ukulele and writes songs. Last Saturday we were in Oslo since her video audition for Norwegian got Talent got chosen for the pre-cast. In two weeks we will know if she made it to the next round and will get on TV. You can watch her video audition here on Youtube
I am just so happy that she doesn’t have any restrictions or boundaries to fulfill her dreams. She can become whatever she wants. And this weekend was one step forward towards her dream.
Happiness is: Going shopping and buying clothes in my own size
In the church I grew up in there was lots of focus on the female body. According to the prophet of our cult, women were designed by Satan to seduce the men. We weren’t allowed to show any of our “female forms” and that made me always buy clothes 2-3 sizes too big to hide my body shape. We weren’t allowed to wear T-shirts with short arms because the men could look in them when we would lift our arms to worship. We weren’t allowed to have any tops on with heavy printing because that would draw attention to our chest. It didn’t really give me this great feminine feeling of being a woman. It made me more ashamed of how I looked and who I was. And I hated shopping because it was always hard to find skirts and dresses when most of the fashion were trousers and it didn’t help that the skirts and dresses needed to be long and wide and not short and tight.
But shopping for clothes now is really fun. And go in skinny jeans, tight tops showing off my body does make me feel feminine and awesome.
Happiness is: Getting a haircut and color my hair
When sitting in the barber chair to get a haircut, or coloring my hair in my favorite color still gives me this overwhelming feeling of happiness. You can read in my blog post “No lightning nor Thunder” about my first haircut and how scared I was to cut my hair.
Happiness is: Having pierced ears and long nails and using nail polish
Believe it or not but my pastor that was my pastor before I got married and moved to Norway even had to preach against long nails. Jewelry, makeup, and nail polish were from the devil. So I actually never learned how to apply makeup. So am still not totally into that. But having long nails and giving them color is really fun. A year after we broke out of the cult I got my ears pierced. And it still makes me happy when I wear earrings.
I start to realize, it is the normal stuff that makes me so happy. Appreciating so many things that might be the most normal thing in the world. But with all the restrictions I lived by, I didn’t really feel I could live at all and now I am free.
I got from where I would look into the mirror and hated myself, to look in the mirror now and to see this strong, happy woman I have become. Before I was ashamed of being a woman. I felt worthless and unfairly treated. Now I am proud to be a woman that dares to dream, living her dreams and her life.
You might also like: